Sunday, March 7, 2010

Who am I now?

Sundays are my official weigh in days, though I weigh every day.

Today the scale said 232.8. That makes a 4.6 pound loss for the week and a 28 pound total loss in nine weeks - averaging to be 3.1 pounds a week. Totally great numbers!!

AND.....

I started tanning yesterday, which is both great for me mentally (photo therapy has been shown to help increase serotonin levels thus decreasing depression) but physically as well - because tan fat is better looking than white fat! I also got a cute hair cut, new contacts (doc said I need to see a glaucoma specialist - ouch), went to see a movie with friends (Alice in Wonderland - cute) and got some new shorts that are a size 18. That's TWO, yes TWO sizes smaller than the last pair of non athletic shorts I bought. People are starting to notice my weight loss now and are making comments to not only me but Mistee as well. Oh, and I got on a scale at Duppy's office - (she works at the local ASPCA so they have a big walk on scale for the animals). I was nervous about getting on her scale, for fear it would show a 937 pound higher weight difference then what I have at home. It didn't. It showed me to be 230.4 - fully clothed. Granted, I'm not going to track numbers from that scale - but it was nice to see.

Seems like a GREAT weekend right??

Any normal person would be ecstatic with how the weekend went. A little makeover, new smaller clothes, a great weigh in for the week, good food choices, upcoming vacation, etc.

But I'm not.......

I have had an inner battle with myself this weekend. I just don't feel connected to the process. Actually, I really just don't feel connected to myself.
Ive made great food choices - choosing only a bottle of water as my movie snack and staying in the low end of my calorie goals. I worked out Friday, but not yesterday and haven't yet today - but will.
People say they see the change in me physically. But I don't. I see some, I guess. But not to the extreme of what people are saying.

When I was at my eye exam, Mistee and the boys were running around Walmart picking up odds and ends for the trip. When my appointment was over I met them in the store (my appt was with the eye dr in Walmart) She presented the new shorts to me - the size 18. Without even touching them, I said - "Did they not have a size 20?" She said no. There was an 18 and a 24. "They wont fit. Put them back." She bought them anyway, saying if they don't fit now - they soon will. So, when we got home - I took the shorts and went into the bathroom. She followed me in there and I asked her to leave. I was TERRIFIED to put them on. Actually, at first I didnt. I folded them and sat them on the vanity. And walked out of the bathroom telling Mistee I would try them on after I lost ten more pounds because they just would not fit now and I knew it. But, they are cute shorts and I wanted to wear them to the movie. So, I went back into the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror. I pulled them on in front of the mirror - they slid up my hips easily, buttoned and even zipped. I have a small muffin top when I wear them on my waist but am able to wear them a little higher and hide the muffin. I wore the shorts to the movie.

I couldn't believe I was in them! But, its strange - its not a "I didn't realize I was doing so well to lose two sizes already" - not believing it. Its more of a "I feel like I'm the same size - fat and gross" not believing it.

When friends say I look good and ask how much I've lost - I politely say thank you and tell them the numbers. But I quickly change the subject. I figure the only reason why people are commenting it to begin with is because they were set up to by Mistee, read my blog or my posts on Facebook. Mistee has actually gotten upset with me because I argue that you cant really see what I've lost. I have so much to lose - how can only 28 pounds make such a huge difference that she says there is?

My connection to the scale is different now too. I get on the scale every morning. But most of the time, I completely disregard what it says - tracking up to a pound more on my spreadsheet than what the scale actually said. I'm deathly afraid of it lying to me. Of it giving me a great number on Monday - only to say something higher on Tuesday. Though it has not happened, not once. I'm still afraid of it. However, when someone asks what I've lost - I give them the number that was truly on the scale. Everyone wants big numbers and I don't want to disappoint them.

Ive lost connections to a couple of my friends through this journey too. Friends I used to go eat with on a regular basis, either go without me or say they have other plans when I ask them. Eating habits are something that people share together. Its not fun to pig out on a plate of pasta and chocolate cake when the person sitting next to you is eating salmon and salad. You want someone to make bad choices with you - so you don't feel as guilty, ashamed etc But when its right in your face, sitting right next to you, that YOU COULD and SHOULD make better choices at the very same restaurant - its not fun.

Have you noticed too, that friends that are fat together lose their relationship when one of the friends is no longer fat - or in the process of becoming no longer fat? Is it because the still fat friend is jealous? Angry? But angry at who? The process of becoming no longer fat friend or at themselves because after all, they are still fat?


So, who am I now? People tell me I look great (at least better), but I don't believe them and I find myself losing my friends. The security of knowing what clothes fit and looked good is no longer there. Food is no longer my friend either. So, what do I have? What is mine? Who am I now?

You have to understand - I have been the "Big Girl" all of my life. I mean ALL of my life. Its even a running joke between a life long friend and I. When we talk about our elementary school days we refer to The Big Girl - me. My feelings were never hurt by the name. I accepted it. It was the reality I lived with for 32 years. But, who am I now?

I have no intention of discontinuing my journey. I like the way I feel physically. I LOVE that I have more energy and am teaching my kids lessons to live healthier and to make better choices on food.
But what do I do to make this better? I can't make my friends start a journey of their own. I'm not in a mental position to give up the scale. Most of you are strong enough for that. I wish I could. Ive even thought of packing it on the trip! **But I'm not gonna.** When I'm done writing this post, I'm going to shower and take some pics of myself - hoping some comparison pics will help get me connected to this process. Plus, I have friends that wanna see my hair cut. Other than that, any suggestions?? Maybe I need a shrink? Seriously, maybe I do. I do not want to see myself developing a dangerously crappy body self image. Or am I totally blowing stuff out of proportion? Are you reading this, thinking to yourself - Damn, this girl is nuts - she's only lost 28 pounds, she acts like she's lost 300! Should I just shut my pie hole and keep on keeping on? Uggg!

The original title of this post was "Weekend Weigh In and Emotional Stresses" But it seems to be obvious the "Weekend Weigh In" part of the topic has been taken over and "Emotional Stresses" part doesn't do it justice. So, I guess I'll change the title to - Am I Nuts?, Big Girl goes Batty, or What the Hell is Wrong with Me?

11 comments:

Minnesota Mami said...

Hey Linds!
First of all, I do want to say, you are doing phenomenally well at your weight loss. I've been at it for 8 weeks and have lost 18 pounds...not a number to sneeze at, but not even in the ballpark of 28...that is awesome and something to be VERY proud of!
I think (and I'm no psychologist) that you are maybe beginning to experience the start of redefining yourself. For 32 years you've been 'The Big Girl'. And while you emotionally still feel like 'The Big Girl'...perhaps because you haven't gotten to your goal weight or broken into Onderland or something like that. But regardless, your body is starting to betray the former 'Big Girl' image and moniker. You are quickly becoming a 'Smaller Girl' and your self-perception will need to adjust to that new reality too. But changing a perspective that has been rooted and accepted for 32 years takes time...longer than 9 weeks anyway. I think recognizing the emotional journey will help you work through it. You are doing great and are truly a wonderful inspiration for those like me who journey along with you!

We ARE doing this!

Holly @ Making Over Me
http://makingoverme.blogspot.com

Kelly said...

That's totally awesome on your down two sizes!!! It really does feel great, doesn't it!? I think you are doing an amazing job. Very inspiring and super duper great job!!!!!!!!!
You should hold your head high! :)

As far as the friends that you lose along the way on the journey, I am going through the exact same thing. It's become drama actually. It's driving me insane. I'm not perfect, but I work hard at this journey. I think people get jealous. Poop on them, if they want to be that way, they aren't true friends anyways. My opinion.

Chin up girl! You're amazing! :)

Holy Hannah said...

You are awesome! Going down 2 pants sizes is huge! I am very proud of you. 4.6 lbs in a week is fantastic!! Keep it up, we are all routing for you.

Steph

isladeangela said...

Hi Linds! I have days where my success (35 pounds lost out of my 100 pound goal) just doesn't "do" it for me. I know there are visible changes but I'm still fat! I'm wearing smaller sizes - but they're still not "from regular" stores. These thoughts seems to just come and go, though. I figure they are just part of the journey. We can listen to our negative talk or hear it and move on - KNOWING that the moving on is what eventually shuts up that damn negative talk! You know the answer - keep working your plan. Just keep working it... ~ Angie :)

Jessica - cbgblog said...

Way to go on the loss for the week. That is AWESOME!

I think it is even more awesome that Mistee supports you SO MUCH! Just by her saying 'if they don't fit now-they soon will'... it is GREAT to have support like that around you. Even when you are feeling down and not so great about things at least you know you have the support and love of people around you.

Jessica - cbgblog said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MargieAnne said...

Hi. A huge part of this weight loss thing is emotional and discovering new things about ourselves. Sometimes we have to embrace the negative and embarrassing to break through to who we really are.

You are doing well and I'm sure this 'strange' feeling will not hang around too long especially with a good friend like Mistee.

The Better Idiot said...

I think the longer you keep the weight off the more you'll connect to it. I've tried to lose weight many times in the fast, and it's easy to not really trust it until you feel more secure that you can keep it off. That may be what you need right now, to convince yourself that this time it'll stay gone.

Chibi said...

Holly said it so well: a facet of who you have been your entire life (up to this point) is starting to change, and change is scary.

I was going to suggest that progress pictures might help you see it, but you beat me to it. ;)

Congrats on the loss - you're doing great!

Anonymous said...

Hm hm.. that's very interessting but frankly i have a hard time figuring it... wonder how others think about this..

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