Who am I now?

Sundays are my official weigh in days, though I weigh every day.

Today the scale said 232.8. That makes a 4.6 pound loss for the week and a 28 pound total loss in nine weeks - averaging to be 3.1 pounds a week. Totally great numbers!!

AND.....

I started tanning yesterday, which is both great for me mentally (photo therapy has been shown to help increase serotonin levels thus decreasing depression) but physically as well - because tan fat is better looking than white fat! I also got a cute hair cut, new contacts (doc said I need to see a glaucoma specialist - ouch), went to see a movie with friends (Alice in Wonderland - cute) and got some new shorts that are a size 18. That's TWO, yes TWO sizes smaller than the last pair of non athletic shorts I bought. People are starting to notice my weight loss now and are making comments to not only me but Mistee as well. Oh, and I got on a scale at Duppy's office - (she works at the local ASPCA so they have a big walk on scale for the animals). I was nervous about getting on her scale, for fear it would show a 937 pound higher weight difference then what I have at home. It didn't. It showed me to be 230.4 - fully clothed. Granted, I'm not going to track numbers from that scale - but it was nice to see.

Seems like a GREAT weekend right??

Any normal person would be ecstatic with how the weekend went. A little makeover, new smaller clothes, a great weigh in for the week, good food choices, upcoming vacation, etc.

But I'm not.......

I have had an inner battle with myself this weekend. I just don't feel connected to the process. Actually, I really just don't feel connected to myself.
Ive made great food choices - choosing only a bottle of water as my movie snack and staying in the low end of my calorie goals. I worked out Friday, but not yesterday and haven't yet today - but will.
People say they see the change in me physically. But I don't. I see some, I guess. But not to the extreme of what people are saying.

When I was at my eye exam, Mistee and the boys were running around Walmart picking up odds and ends for the trip. When my appointment was over I met them in the store (my appt was with the eye dr in Walmart) She presented the new shorts to me - the size 18. Without even touching them, I said - "Did they not have a size 20?" She said no. There was an 18 and a 24. "They wont fit. Put them back." She bought them anyway, saying if they don't fit now - they soon will. So, when we got home - I took the shorts and went into the bathroom. She followed me in there and I asked her to leave. I was TERRIFIED to put them on. Actually, at first I didnt. I folded them and sat them on the vanity. And walked out of the bathroom telling Mistee I would try them on after I lost ten more pounds because they just would not fit now and I knew it. But, they are cute shorts and I wanted to wear them to the movie. So, I went back into the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror. I pulled them on in front of the mirror - they slid up my hips easily, buttoned and even zipped. I have a small muffin top when I wear them on my waist but am able to wear them a little higher and hide the muffin. I wore the shorts to the movie.

I couldn't believe I was in them! But, its strange - its not a "I didn't realize I was doing so well to lose two sizes already" - not believing it. Its more of a "I feel like I'm the same size - fat and gross" not believing it.

When friends say I look good and ask how much I've lost - I politely say thank you and tell them the numbers. But I quickly change the subject. I figure the only reason why people are commenting it to begin with is because they were set up to by Mistee, read my blog or my posts on Facebook. Mistee has actually gotten upset with me because I argue that you cant really see what I've lost. I have so much to lose - how can only 28 pounds make such a huge difference that she says there is?

My connection to the scale is different now too. I get on the scale every morning. But most of the time, I completely disregard what it says - tracking up to a pound more on my spreadsheet than what the scale actually said. I'm deathly afraid of it lying to me. Of it giving me a great number on Monday - only to say something higher on Tuesday. Though it has not happened, not once. I'm still afraid of it. However, when someone asks what I've lost - I give them the number that was truly on the scale. Everyone wants big numbers and I don't want to disappoint them.

Ive lost connections to a couple of my friends through this journey too. Friends I used to go eat with on a regular basis, either go without me or say they have other plans when I ask them. Eating habits are something that people share together. Its not fun to pig out on a plate of pasta and chocolate cake when the person sitting next to you is eating salmon and salad. You want someone to make bad choices with you - so you don't feel as guilty, ashamed etc But when its right in your face, sitting right next to you, that YOU COULD and SHOULD make better choices at the very same restaurant - its not fun.

Have you noticed too, that friends that are fat together lose their relationship when one of the friends is no longer fat - or in the process of becoming no longer fat? Is it because the still fat friend is jealous? Angry? But angry at who? The process of becoming no longer fat friend or at themselves because after all, they are still fat?


So, who am I now? People tell me I look great (at least better), but I don't believe them and I find myself losing my friends. The security of knowing what clothes fit and looked good is no longer there. Food is no longer my friend either. So, what do I have? What is mine? Who am I now?

You have to understand - I have been the "Big Girl" all of my life. I mean ALL of my life. Its even a running joke between a life long friend and I. When we talk about our elementary school days we refer to The Big Girl - me. My feelings were never hurt by the name. I accepted it. It was the reality I lived with for 32 years. But, who am I now?

I have no intention of discontinuing my journey. I like the way I feel physically. I LOVE that I have more energy and am teaching my kids lessons to live healthier and to make better choices on food.
But what do I do to make this better? I can't make my friends start a journey of their own. I'm not in a mental position to give up the scale. Most of you are strong enough for that. I wish I could. Ive even thought of packing it on the trip! **But I'm not gonna.** When I'm done writing this post, I'm going to shower and take some pics of myself - hoping some comparison pics will help get me connected to this process. Plus, I have friends that wanna see my hair cut. Other than that, any suggestions?? Maybe I need a shrink? Seriously, maybe I do. I do not want to see myself developing a dangerously crappy body self image. Or am I totally blowing stuff out of proportion? Are you reading this, thinking to yourself - Damn, this girl is nuts - she's only lost 28 pounds, she acts like she's lost 300! Should I just shut my pie hole and keep on keeping on? Uggg!

The original title of this post was "Weekend Weigh In and Emotional Stresses" But it seems to be obvious the "Weekend Weigh In" part of the topic has been taken over and "Emotional Stresses" part doesn't do it justice. So, I guess I'll change the title to - Am I Nuts?, Big Girl goes Batty, or What the Hell is Wrong with Me?